Ms. Viv's Heavenly Army

Hey there, Ms. Viv 'Nim Fanatics!

Today's blog is totally different... it's straight from Ms. Viv's personal journal. She was more than happy to share a testimony with us.


It happened around late July 2008. The Douglases were going on vacation for three weeks, and I volunteered to housesit for them. The extra bonus for me was keeping Butterscotch. We waved “bye-bye” to the Douglases as they pulled out of their driveway, and I decided to take Butterscotch on a tour around the neighborhood. As soon as I grabbed Butterscotch’s leash, she leapt onto me as if to say, “Whatcha waitin’ for, Lady? Lock that bad boy around my collar and let’s get to it!” I laughed at the playful pup’s cheery attitude, and we stepped out to have a great walk around the neighborhood.

After a good fifteen-minute walk, we returned home. When we passed by the Douglases’ house, Butterscotch started to growl. I thought that she saw a cat or a squirrel, so I tugged on her leash. She was so determined to solve this particular mystery that she pulled me over to whatever was aggravating her. Come to find out, the Douglases’ side window was pried open, and someone looked to be either going in the house or out of it.

“I beg your pardon!” I shouted, startling the intruder so badly that he bumped his head across the wood of the windowpane. He clutched the back of his head and fell to the ground, where Butterscotch cornered him and barked fiercely.

“Now, I know good and hell well that you not doin’ what I think you doin’,” I said, looking at the intruder over my glasses. “Young man, you betta tell me that I didn’t see what I just saw.”

The intruder was more concerned with Butterscotch than he was me. Butterscotch continued to bark fiercely, jumping at the intruder with all her might. I held on tightly to Butterscotch’s leash, but there was no sense in trying to calm her down. Despite a fear of suffering a dog bite, the intruder said in a very brash tone, “Lady, unless this is your house, you betta stay out my business before you get hurt!”

I kinda laughed, because I know that the boy couldn’t have been serious. He dared to challenge me, but he still kept a safe distance from Butterscotch.

“Uh, you wanna say that again, young man?” I asked.

“I said, unless this is your house…”

“So, you have no morals and you’re disrespectful,” I said. “Lemme tell you something, young man: First of all, this is my house because it belongs to my son. Second of all, if I was your mama, I’d whup yo’ ass for talkin’ to grown folks like that. Matter of fact, I oughta whup yo’ ass right now!”

The intruder was taken aback behind what I said, but all of a sudden he looked like he saw a ghost. The strange thing was that both Butterscotch and I were calm. The intruder then zipped past me and Buttersotch, running off in fear. I guess he thought I was really gonna whup him. I didn’t think anything more about what had just transpired, so I took Butterscotch home and called a repairman to fix Bret and Susie’s window.

The next day, I was outside watering the front lawn when I noticed a group of troublemakers, one of which was the young man who tried to break into the Douglases’ household. I looked up towards Heaven and prayed, “Lord, I don’t want no trouble at the river. I am in no mood for no mess.”

The group stopped about six feet away from me and stared me down. Instantly, I started humming “Near the Cross.” From my peripheral vision, I saw the one of them point me out, then walk towards me. He must’ve been the ring leader or something.

“So, you threatenin’ my crew, old lady?” he asked me.

I kept on watering my lawn and humming “Near the Cross.”

“What’s the matter, Grandma—your hearing aid ain’t turned up high enough?” he asked arrogantly.

“Why, you disrespectful, half-raised bastard!” I shouted as I instantly turned the waterhose on him.

The ring leader hit the ground and struggled to catch his breath, then he rolled over to his crew. I pointed the hose at his other five cronies, and every last of them flinched. I was so angry that I must’ve swelled up like a peacock. Clark used to say that about me all the time, especially when I got angry.

“You know, your buddy here had enough sense to leave yesterday, but it’s quite obvious to me that you ain’t that damn smart!” I yelled.

The boy whom I encountered the day prior looked at his crew and said, “I think y’all better leave this woman alone—she ain’t playin’.”

“J-Man, shut up!” the leader shouted. “She tried to diss you yesterday, and today she gonna turn a hose on me? Nah, I don’t play that!”

The leader walked up on me again and snatched the waterhose from my hand. Instinctively, I slapped him in the middle of next month. I had to have slapped him pretty dang hard, because he dropped the hose and almost fell to the ground. I retrieved the waterhose and sprayed him again, knocking him back on his ass. I got that bastard good, too! His cronies reached out to help him, but the one they called “J-Man” kept a safe distance. The leader was so frustrated that he tried to get up, only to fall back down.

Thankfully for me, Ted the Mailman had just finished up his mail route and ran over to me. I didn’t even have to turn around because I heard his voice clearly. Ted obviously didn’t know what was going on, but he was willing to risk his own safety to protect me. I gotta hand it to Ted—he showed me that he was more than just a mailman.

Still holding his jaw from where I slapped him, the ring leader struggled to his feet and said, “Lady, you done messed up now. You’re gonna regret what you did to me. You see, it’s six of us, and only two of you.

“Correction—it’s five of y’all, and three of us!” the J-Man fellow declared.
 
Ted and I acknowledged this act of bravery with a smile, all while our eyes were in contact with the other five hoodlums.

“Oh, so it’s like that, J-Man?” the ring leader asked. “You just gon’ switch sides like that, huh? Okay then—be that way, but it’s still more of us than it is of you.”

I chuckled a bit, then I crossed my arms and said, “You may think so, Baby, but those who are with me are more than those who are with y’all.”

The ring leader and his cronies looked at each other, trying to figure out what I meant. Suddenly, all five of them grew fearful, kinda like how J-Man was. The four cronies ran off and left their leader all by his lonesome. When the leader saw that he was all by himself, he fell to the ground and froze.

“Hey Lady, tell your crew to put them swords away!” he begged. “It ain’t gotta be like that!”

I caught Ted and J-Man by their wrists and told them not to turn around. The ring leader was so scared that he tried to get up and run, and he tripped over his own two feet. Ultimately, the leader ran off, screaming in terror. When it was all said and done, I looked up to the heavens and said, “Thank you, Jesus!”

Ted called the police while I helped the young man to my porch and made sure that he was okay. Tears in his eyes, the young man hugged me.

“Ma’am, I want you to know that I’m really sorry about yesterday,” he said. “I told those clowns that you weren’t the one to mess with, but like my mom would say, they didn’t believe that fat meat was greasy. I knew that you were for real when I saw your peeps dressed in all white, carrying swords that look like lightning bolts.”

“Ah, you caught a glimpse of my heavenly army,” I smiled. “I never go anywhere until I talk to My Heavenly Father. He’s the one who sends His troops to guide me all the way.”